Emotional confession 

Hey y’all. How you guys been doing. Me, ehhhhh. Here we are take two or three, maybe six. I think I have actually lost count how many times I have wrote this then turned around and deleted it. I think that I have, in fact, wore out the back space key,the delete button, and new document option. So much so, that I am surprised that they even function anymore. I mean, really, why I am even writing this; why am I trying to get this out on paper. I dont believe it is going to change anything!! Is it going to make me feel any better? Probally not!! Is it going to alter the reality of what is? Never!! Is it going to make it hurt more? Most def!! However, it has to be done, no matter the way that I think it will make me feel.  

This is my way to begin to heal.  Heal the many wounds that have for so long festered in my soul, put crevices in my heart and creeped out of my mouth. This is my #emotionalconfession.   For those of you who know me, and the one who don’t, this is about to be Chrysse D in the rarest form. Unabased. Unfiltered. Total raw. Unfortunately, I am about to sit here and reopen the wound, over and over again until, in fact, I can’t bleed no more. I think that is the best course of action…for me at this time. Being from the country we always use these crazy little one-liners to describe everything that we can think of. You know something like “You couldn’t hit the broad side of the barn” or “I’m so poor I couldn’t jump over a nickel to save a dime”, then there “he thinks the sun comes up to hear him crow”. But then there is the term hung out to dry? What about been deer hunting? Well, if you can answer a yes to either or both these quick wit sayings, then you will understand what I am about to say. When you hang the deer out to dry, the gravity of the situation will suck every bit of blood out from it until it all left is the hide and meat. By this time, all you gots to do is cut it up, and enjoy. However, before you can even think about doing that, you have to throw some intense heat. And some seasoning. Then you’ll be well-fed on what will seem to be the whole harvest season after that. Man, does a deer serve up a mass amount of meat. It takes patience. Persistence. Heart. A huge heart. Much like life. And, this is what I have been dealing with lately. I am starting now to wonder if I served up one two many dishes than I was ready to digest. Not sure if I ever will be.

    This is what century’s we are living in? I don’t know what you call it but I will settle with calling it the “me” century. You know, I have contemplated over the best way to describe it. When mostly, all I can come up with is that it is one where people only want to cater to theirselves for their needs and their needs only. I mean who would want to do anything else, right? We have to preserve ourselves and that is all that matters. We couldn’t be more wrong and so blind to what is really going on. I know that the world alternates on an axis X amount of times a day but the latest research I did informed me that in fact the axis wasn’t rotating on what I thought was myself. And, I am pretty sure that it wasn’t you, or even you for that matter. Huh, what a revelation. No,I am not posting or writing any of this toward anyone specific other than myself. So, don’t go and get your looms in a wad ( in other words calm down, this ain’t toward no one other than, giving myself a pep talk.) I stood by and stood by. More and more everyday, slowly slipping away from the perspective of life that I so strived to be about. And, in fact it made me…well, sad. In fact, I was so pessimistic that I was like Everyone. Now, that is horrible. But, not in the cute blue donkey with a pink ribbon kind of way. More like “nobody loves me, everybody hates me” kind of way.

  The other night, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table, crying. I was a blubbering mess, and I don’t even understand how my husband was able to keep up with anything that was about to come out of my mouth. Or, keep up with all the napkins that I was going through. I think by the time it was said and done, I could have built a tower. {Next, on your tour attraction is the Tower of the Sneezy and Snotty, aricheture provided by Chrysse D and the Endless Tear Firm.} One could assume that wouldn’t be much fun at all. I’d rather do something like continue to look at beautiful artwork; you know the ones that share their own story. But somehow, it was in that moment that I begun to realize that I (the harshest critic) had fell victim to what I had stood so firm against. I had so much to be thankful for this week but somehow I was finding a reason to say all these things that were wrong. I had a niece who survived a wreck (in which all accounts should have killed her), and then in that very same week her dad was in surgery for something that turned from bad to worse, (he’s okay now but just the thought), and then, Dylan. There is not enough room in this blog to tell about the miracle that is Dylan so I definitely will save that for another one all together being I want it to get all the light that is deserves.
  But, somehow during all this positive and fun loving stuff I was so lost in myself. I was playing right in the hand that the enemy had dealt me. It felt like it was time for him to come collect his “all in” poker hand, and that called for the destruction of everything about me. Everything that I held dear in my life. Everything, well, everything that made me….well, me. And, he was there, I thought for sure that he had a ace up his sleeve. Because man I never felt so defeated than i did in that moment sitting at my kitchen table at three in morning sobbing over all that had went wrong in my marriage. All that had got messed up, through around, tossed up and down in my life. Then, I saw it. I got there in front of me. I understood everything that I needed to see. And boy oh boy, devil I was about to call your bluff at your own game. See the one thing that the devil hates more than anything and I mean ANYTHING. Except God, cause he hates God and everything God pretty bad. He hates hope and he detest the ablitliy to praise and someone’s who that can be so broken and so crumbled, but yet they can dig down deep and find hope. That is. Deal breaker for the devil. But, guess what, that is exactly what I was about to do.. I was going to call the dealer at his own game and I was going to win this one. I had given him way to much of my life and God had done way to much for me that I was obligated to stand firm, swing hard, and put the dealer… no, scratch that.. father of all lies out of business. Now, I know that this won’t stop the enemy from coming at me. In fact, he is going to come harder at me more, more than ever before. Nevertheless, I was going to find someway, somehow to praise through this storm. I don’t care if I am in the middle of Walmart. Or on the side of the road. Who know I may just me that wacky crazy person that you see driving down the interstate praising the Lord, cause I know that I have a league of angels protecting me and an all mighty God leading me and my home. 

So, yes this was in fact, may emotional confession. This is fact a reality that I am broken, that I am not perfect. But this is also the confession that I know that no matter how dark the day, or how raging the storm all I have to do is look up and call out. Cause the girl who only looks forward is a girl that grows… I am Chrysse D and my growth game is strong, allow me to introduce myself. 

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