Joy. Sadness. Failure. Safety. Fear. I was asked why do I write? Why do what I do? How can I possibly sit and talk about everything? Why is it so easy? Well, honestly, I don’t know why I push a pencil; how I can talk like a child but incite like a debutante. For the longest time, I was void. Empty. Just floating around trying to get by. I had this passion for writing for as far back as i can remember, (which these days seems like that is only yesterday). Then, one day I woke up, and what I was amorous about was gone. I couldn’t think of a sentence. I definitely no longer understood the difference in a semi-colon and an apostrophe. Just couldn’t seem to marry the pen and paper. It always seemed ending up in an argument and the license crumpled up in the trash bin. So, I chose that moment it was time for a separation. I knew that in time it would come back or at least that what was desired of me. Something that held so much in my heart could never truly leave me. I just had to search out and find what I was looking for. Not realizing, it was right there in front of me the whole time and the enemy was just comforting me with lies. Hashtag Truth.
There was always this part of me that just wanted to go on for hours and hours. Whether it be writing my own version of how I thought that Snow White never really ate the apple, that it was a conspiracy. Or, just the day to day going on in my life. Memoirs of mammaws kitchen. Or just love letters to people. I could do this for a lifetime. But, much like everything else. Life got in the way. People got in the way, and well I just got trampled under the imagery of this world. One day was always a thought in my head. One day it would happen again. One day I would reset my passion. One day. Which turned into someday. Which led to maybe. Which led to who was that girl stirring at me in that mirror so empty and void. Who knew what writing or the lack there of could do to someone. Hmmmmmmmm.
So, I had floated through life. Aimlessly. Never caring what direction was the next. Sojourning. Nomadic, emotional wreck. I just wanted to get home again not knowing which direction to turn. Where was the first place to start or the last place I ended. So i just followed my nose. I would see people come in, out of my life. I would go through experiences that I wanted to share. I would meet people that I found necessary to help. But, truth was how can I help them when I couldn’t even begin to help myself. What a loss. I just needed to be shook real good and hard, someone yelling wake up. We have this stuff that we go though in life that makes each of us who we are. If we were just to share, give it a voice, allow it the power of words ( whether written or spoken) to make a melody, we could save someone’s life and maybe restrict their pain just a little bit. Even for a moment. That is a moment, a moment in which we are free from the worn out lie that we are alone. And, so that is why I write.
I do this because it is good for me and maybe helpful to you. If it makes you laugh, makes you cry. Well, even if it could make you angry that is evoking some sort of emotion in you. That is telling you that your heartbeat is still there and that you my friends are not alone. Some days I feel like laughing. And, then there are the occasional days in which I feel like crying. And, others I just dont want to do nothing at all, causally staring at the blank screen for hours because I just can’t find the words to put together to spin the way I feel. Writing makes me vulnerable. And it shows me that there is some one out there who is new at this pain and loneliness thing, or there maybe someone who is seasoned out there and I need to seek out to remind myself why I am doing what I a doing and to just give me a nudge and say hey girl, it is going to be okay.
There will be day in which you see me write a lot and there will be days which i talk it short words and run-on sentences because I don’t know what else to say. All I know that is if I don’t get the daydream out on paper it is going to be a night mare tonight. Almost like unfinished business. And, we all know that can keep your mind circulating your brain. For if I had figured out on thing over all, the enemy loves to use time against us by making us feel that we have all of it that we need in this world. When fact of the matter is this. We dont have tomorrow. We dont have the next breath. Or sentence or paragraph. We dont even really have time to sit and clement on where it is an apostrophe or a semi-colon. We just dont. So this is why I write because I can’t wait another moment for the write time to come along.
It will be a joy getting to share all these up and down moments with you. The things that I have been through to the way that I laugh at things that once caused me so much heartache. I know that we are in for a wild ride. But, just make sure that you are tall enough to get on because it is going to be all the way from snoopy island to the banshee. Just make sure that you have yourself a glass of sweet tea and a slice of faith along the way. Until next time, be blessed and less stressed