Hey ya’ll how you doing this very warm, very humid day? I hope that you are full and blessed by the Most High. I woke up this morning praising Him cause I know how very amazing that He is to me and how wonderful He has been in my life. This beautiful week in June will be the celebration of my nineteen months sober and I could not have done it if Jesus had not stepped down and wiped my tears that day and whispered in my ears saying Get Up!!!! Get up Crystall and enjoy this day……..
I decided to sit out on the front porch this evening and watch the birds bend the throttle to and fro throughout the skies above me. Leaving me in wonder, oh how sometimes I wished I were a bird. Just going back and forth chasing the bread crumbs and worms, taking mud bathes in the rain puddles. Complete translucent. Aimless Direction. Riding off all points on the compass but remaining in constant connection with the one True North. And, amid the fact that the storm would soon surge in, I would always have time to stop and offer a performance in the chip and chirp major. Or, is it minor? Guess I don’t know and I suppose today that is why God made me a Crystall and not a bird. So in this moment, I would enjoy the serene eminence; the beautiful grandeur of the world around me. And, I would embrace being the exact creation God formed me to be, and search for my portion. God gave me a beat to accompany the sheet of music composed before me. So, hic et nunc I would compose. Putting the pen to the paper as He would ghostwrite what radiant arrangement He had for me. Behold, those amazing Godmoments!!!!!!!
In the beginning, I played my Prayer Room playlist from the lowest amplified volume I could get it to. Rearranging, shuffling and mixing but I seemed at candor nothing could hit the high notes and low beats I required to make my brain move. So, I paused it and just listened to the endless tracks of the nature symphony. Oh, how Amadeus and Wolfgang would be impressed. Prodigy in the making. I would begin to hear so much at the sound of so little. Moments such as those would take me back. Back to my youth. Back to my safety. Back to me.
It would unlock moments in times and memories that I am sure are going to make me cry. However, behold, they would keep me at peace. It was long before the stigma of the “a'” word. Well before the devastating loss of my mammaw and pappah. Well beyond the events that have corroded my mind over the years. Just as the girl on the front porch in the house of her dreams, cuddled in love and hope on the brown wagon wheel couch; an ice-cold Pepsi in her left hand and a moist almost melted Swiss roll in her right. That was and will always remain the time masterpiece of my life. A time in which I wished I could lock every bit of it up in an old musical box. Every time I wanted to go back to my happy place I could wind and wind some more and it would repeatedly play over and over.
However, I can’t; so here I am on the front porch almost twenty years later trying to remake the effectual need of that moment. So real I could almost taste the Swiss roll and feel the fizzle of the cola in my throat. Oh wait. That was real. I just ate that Swiss roll ten minutes ago but don’t tell the husband, he is anticipating Nacho pie and peanut butter cookies for dinner. So that can be our little secret. Man, that Swiss roll was good though.
I feel at peace in this moment and thinking back to those days. Sometimes I often wonder is my only string of sanity attached to the memories that are never going to return. or, was my last bit of sanity attached to the things that I can never relive. Who knows? All I can undoubtedly state is there is A LOT that I can’t really recall to my rerun of events but those are the moments as so vivid that I could reach out and touch them. Keeping me safely on course want to reach my Heaven because I know that they along side of Jesus will be awaiting there for me with an ice cold cola and half melted roll of decadent chocolate and cream.
For the longest time I have been afraid to talk about my grief from losing them. And, the cause and effect relationship with my addiction. However, over the past year almost two, I am also learning God has promised me, there is nothing that I cannot overcome. In fact, He promises us to be overcomers through His precious blood. The blood He poured out at Cavalry for you and for me.
In fact it was Calvary, at Golgotha that He proclaimed that it to be finished.
The great deceiver would no longer have power over any of us, ever again. Unless, we (ourselves) allowed him to. so, I will gladly accept what was laid as a stumbling clock; a trap door on my journey. An event in which God picked up, washed up, polished up and guaranteed my victory.
And, He guaranteed yours as well. You just have to reach up and accept the help He has promised and lean into His word. It will always be more greater than your own understanding!! and, I can promise you somethings that I know for certain. That one thing, that one concept you just can’t seem to get through. You can’t seem to accept or alleviate. That one things that seems as if is the destruction of your world will one day fit into this beautiful piece of sheet music laid before you. That one difficult piece to the puzzle yet extravagantly placed before you. And, you will realize what is meant to be will always find a way. It may not be today, tomorrow or even next week!! But I promise one day that it will happen and then it will once again make all the sense in the world. God is working it out. EVen when you feel you have done all you can and your back is up against that prison wall
GOD IS WORKING OUT FOR YOU
You just have to trust me, and more importantly; scratch that most importantly you need to trust Pappa. The one true and living King. Forever. And sooner or later, He will reveal to you that this was all necessary for the development of who and what you were designed to be. The one thing that the enemy tries to cloud your vision on. You are destined to overcome.
For me, it was grief and addiction and a whole lot of bruises and scars. But, it don’t always have to be the same for Harry as it Sally. And, I promise the story of Joanie won’t be the match to the narrative of Chaci. But the underlying factor. Oh in the center of it all will be the same. JESUS!!!!!! And, that goes for all f you as well. are you facing an anger issue?? Maybe the loss of a child or a hurt that you can’t seem to get past. instead of battling this by yourself. instead of isolating or turning to a band-aid for a ripped scavenged wound, why don’t you look up and say
“God, I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this by myself. I need you to step in”
Let go and Let God/ I understand that it won’t be easy and sometimes it will be unbearable when in fact you think you will sink before you swim but if you just hold on. Hold onto the flotation device, the one who has this amazing ability to walk on water then i can promise you when get to that other side of the shore, you will look back and see where there once stood a sea, now only remains a mud puddle of satisfaction of and resilience. You can do this. I am praying for you. I don’t know who this message is for, but it for someone. and, just know that you are not alone. you have a beautiful God and a prayer warrior who is standing in your corner.
Until, next time have a good ole glass of sweet tea with a slice of faith. be blessed and less stressed
courtesy of Portion