what if it were purple, pink, blue, indigo. what about deep pink, papaya whip, blanched almond.
would we still look at it the same?? would we know how to obey the sign or the light if it were a color outside the one WE are used to?? would we notice it or would we go by sheer intuition that the correct color for green is go?? or that stop is well definitely red?? what if??
i find that i face these challenges EVERYDAY!!!!!! every day my life is seemingly a stop light mixed with a stop sign entangled to the yield. i have been in sobriety for three years come november. it has been a scary process for me. but none scarier than it has been the last two maybe three months. i have never in my life felt so helpless as i have. this demon of addiction has been treading on the knits of my kitten heels and it is literally driving me crazy. i have been in this whirlwind… no more like the manna whirlpool going around and around. not finding it possible to laugh. to smile. to hold on. much less even breath. it has been so hard for me. i look back. i see who i used to be and i become so terrified. terrified in such a way that i don’t think that stephen king himself could ever market a trilogy of books or movies to make me feel this way. i just don’t know.
i have found this place. it makes me nauseous. i detect all these different pathways. ones that i have walked. ones that i have dreamed of walking and ones that i may someday. but i encounter these pathways and my brain just can’t coordinate with my step. do i go here? do i go there? do i move anywhere? am i going to be successful if i go here, or will i just fall flat on my face? backward, forwards, up or down. a spiral system of self-awareness. things that you know triggers your feelings here. or emotions that generate an overwhelming sense of fear over here. my mind never stops. my feet never stop. and it is a tangling mess. a big ball of twine and wires because you are so afraid of the trap that is beset before you. and this is where i am.
ADDICTION & RECOVERY ARE BOTH EQUALLY HARD
recovery never stops. i don’t care if you are 10,546 days clean and sober. you are still and will always be in
recovery..//.. in progression..//.. on a journey..//.. making a pilgrimage into a land we do not know..//..
it is a process. it is going to be a mission. but just one more day sober…
ONE MORE DAY ALIVE…
is it not worth. that pain. that breath. that crick in your neck when you hang your head too long because you don’t think that you are strong enough. but can i let you in on a little secret? a little well-known fact from someone who has been there. almost every day for the last three years. you can do it. you will do it. if you hang in there and you desire this for yourself. then you will succeed. i promise.
if you can make that commitment that you want to i can and will always promise you that you have someone out there who is listening. who is praying? and who is thinking? don’t give up. you made it through today. and today is just a day. keep on keeping on. you got this.